Fear is one of our least favorite guests. When fear shows up—and it shows up for all of us—we’re rarely in a position for it. In fact, right now we might be trying to get away from some kind of fear before it arrives—even if we need to vacate the premises—our body.
The more we try to run away from our fears, the stronger it gets. Fear goes where we go—regardless of how much we may stuff it, medicate it, or deny it. This sounds like bad news. But it is actually good news if we learn how to work with fear rather than run from it. Working with it means turning toward it intellectually—and emotionally.
There really is no point in trying to say to ourselves that we shouldn’t be afraid because we only shame ourselves for being afraid, which drives our fearful selves into more activities … more busyness to compensate for being afraid—anything to get away from it.
The Biochemistry of Fear
I won’t get into the whole physiology of fear, but I would be remiss if I didn’t at least say something about the electrifying biochemistry of fear—increasing blood flow, heart racing, gastrointestinal issues. Flight-fight-freeze responses are part of the physiology of fear. Fear can also show up in many forms: worry, anxiety, panic, paranoia, fright, anger, terror, dread and doubt. At its core, fear says: I am not safe or I am threatened or I am in danger or Others whom I care about are in danger. Fear never undercuts rationality, that’s why we can’t just think it away.
How Fear Slips into Our Relationships
Fear can be channeled into anger. When fearful folks get really angry, we are not afraid anymore—we’re just angry! Anger is not a solution for fear, but what comes out of the anger can be empowering. When I work with couples suffering from abuse-generated, debilitating fear, I find that helping them mobilize what they had to shut down during their original trauma—is not only freeing and healing, it also involves the raw expression of anger. The more intimate we are with our anger, i.e., expressing it, the less fearful we tend to be because we are not letting our anger turn into fear.
Your Turn – Getting to Know Your Fear – Journal Writing Exercise
First get out a pencil/pen and some paper. Below you will find a list of incomplete sentences. Complete them as generously and thoroughly as possible, out loud and write them down. After you say it, don’t edit. Words may not immediately come up, but more often than not, they will. Speak as freely and sincerely as possible. When you are done, take some deep breaths and rest for a few minutes. Here we go.
What scares me the most is …
As I feel this, my heart …
If my heart could speak right now it would say …
My breathing feels …
My usual way of numbing myself is …
What scares me about the way I numb myself is …
What is most obvious about my fear is …
Knowing that many others are also experiencing such fear makes me feel …
What I wish I could do for others is …
What I can do for others is …
What’s happening to my fear right now is …
No matter what happens, I am …
Congratulations!
If it feels natural, repeat this process with you as a listener and your partner/friend as the sharer of fear …
Feel free to clap back. Let me know how it goes for you.
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Always a work in progress and in radical gratitude for this community,
Paula
