The reality is that most of us fall into a relationship not always entirely sure of what has brought us together. And the tendency is, as time goes by, for us to slip into the pattern of relating that we have been most familiar with. Mainly we slip into the ways we related growing up in our family environment. However, outside of mainstream media, a new paradigm has been emerging. Perhaps ‘new’ isn’t the ideal term for it because I’ve been writing about this for five years and it has been simmering in the background for several decades. But it is “new” in the sense that everyday folks are becoming painfully aware that new ways of relating are needed if we are to avoid the unnecessary pain and distress that relationships have brought in the past. Two people breaking up-no tragedy. Two people growing apart-no tragedy. Two people having conflicts and struggles together–no tragedy. However, if we don’t start taking FULL responsibility for allowing our relationships to help us grow and mature that’s the tragedy. Here’s how we can successfully live in the “new paradigm” of relationship.
1. No-one has to compromise their integrity.
Many relationships rely on those involved in them ‘being’ a particular way in order to make them work. There’s almost an unspoken agreement, which goes something like, ‘as long as you act this way and I act that way, our life will stay in balance.’ We repress certain characteristics and play up others while our partner does the same and that back-and-forth becomes the essence of how we relate. But while it may look stable and well-adjusted on the surface, it means that we are only able to bring a part of who we are into our relationships, pushing away the rest out of fear of rocking the boat. On the other hand, if I were to describe what the new paradigm feels like, it would sound something like this: “I haven’t yet grown into the fullness of who I am, therefore who I am will continue to develop and change. And … I understand that the same is true for you. Meaning who we are as a couple will continue to evolve. I value the depth that this growth can bring to me and to us, and I will do my best to accept those changes as they emerge.
2. A place to grow and heal.
Those of us drawn to the new paradigm tend to place a high value on personal and inner growth. We see intimate relationships as a place where we can explore who we are through our connection with another, growing and expanding as we do this and experiencing the pleasure of supporting another’s blossoming.
While companionship, sex and shared responsibilities are still an inevitable part of our experience the emphasis on growth ensures that these relationships maintain a sense of respect for each individual’s unique journey through life. This means that although we all look for a certain amount of comfort and security in a long-term relationship, we place a higher value on healing and growth and are therefore willing to accept the discomfort and insecurity growth can and will sometimes bring.
3. The practice of unconditional love.
Although there is a lot of talk about unconditional love, it is not something that is seen all that often within the context of the “old paradigm” of relationships. It is much more common to witness partners withholding love from another out of anger, fear, resentment or a desire to manipulate a situation. Love is often wielded like a weapon of destruction rather than a positive force. Love is used in emotional blackmail; passive aggressive behavior and in lot of other unloving ways. I think what is probably the greatest rebellion against the old paradigm, the “new paradigm” situates unconditional love at the heart of the relationship. Not that everyone involved in the new way of relating has achieved the holy grail of perfect love, it’s that there is a conscious effort made to re-open the heart every time it closes down in fear, resentment or anger; that there is a willingness to face the difficult discussions, the painful truths and the aspects of ourselves and our lovers that we might prefer to run away from or act out in other unloving ways.
Unconditional loving becomes a ritual and practice of our relationship that grows stronger every time we find a way to expand our boundaries, face our fears and integrate another aspect of our shadow side of self.
4. A greater emphasis on conscious communication.
No relationship can flourish without a modicum of good communication and it is especially important when we’re entering territory where the ground continues to shift. How can I know what’s going on with you, or expect you to know what’s going on with me, unless we communicate openly and consciously? How do we listen to one another without shutting down or invalidating, undermining, dismissing other’s point of view.
Most of us can talk relatively easily about the mundane reality of everyday life – coordinating schedules, sharing chores and discussing work. But what about expressing needs that we are only vaguely aware? Or being able to express a wide range of emotional topics without hurling abuse?
When we move into a new paradigm of relating, we need to find new ways of consciously communicating, taking our time in finding the words or physical gestures to say what we want to say and being willing to sit through the challenge of listening to what another may want to share with us. How much of a challenge depends on the individuals involved – some couples understand each other more easily than others. For those more used to the old paradigm of relating, all this can sound very unsettling and even threatening.
The world is uncertain enough, why would we want to invite uncertainty into our relationships too? What about the idea that a relationship should provide a haven from the storms?
Ironically, this is exactly what happens over time with the new relationship paradigm, except that it isn’t a security that is based on external controls or on fear. Instead, as the relationship grows to integrate change and deepens as a practice ground for unconditional love, the individuals involved feel freer to be themselves, more understood and accepted, and therefore safer in the world. Without feeling that we need to repress parts of ourselves or to perform in a particular way in order to be loved, we are more at home in the world.
There will always be those who feel safer sticking with tradition and the old paradigm, despite the evidence that it doesn’t necessarily work and despite all the pain, misery, destruction, violence and cruelty it creates. For the rest of us, though, this new paradigm offers an alternative, bringing depth and vitality and energy and passion to how we relate to our spouses, partners, and significant others.
