I wanted to reach out sooner, but my heart has been heavy. Last week my surrogate brother took his own life. His suffering came at the hands of a long battle with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Hearing the news was both shocking and not so shocking.
After the Buddhist funeral service he requested, we were driving home and stopped to pay the toll at the Newport Bridge, when the toll attendant asked if I was a “movie person.” Still whirling from the Funeral Service I said, “I know some about movies.” I wasn’t quite sure where she was going with her question, when she told us that Philip Seymour Hoffman was dead! At that moment, I lost my breath as if I had been kicked in the stomach. Once I was able to catch my breath, I sighed, paid the toll and drove off. I couldn’t say anything.
Without a doubt, I am grieving the loss of my surrogate brother, but Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death haunts me in a different way. It shows me with bone-chilling clarity that the journey of a person in recovery can be filled with huge ups and downs and even end in death. As someone who’s been in recovery for 26 years, I’m well acquainted the notion that the alcoholic/addict “walk[s] through the shadow of the valley of death” and “constant vigilance is the price we pay for sobriety.”
Personally and professionally, I am in contact almost daily with addicts/alcoholics from all walks of life, “from Yale to Jail, from the park bench to Park Avenue.” But what is typically overshadowed and given less attention are those who have been affected by someone’s addiction/alcoholism. The person in relationship with an alcoholic/addict very often suffers just as much. They suffer heartbreak from all the broken promises; they suffer in the chaos and predictability; and they suffer in the overwhelming desire to control-to save the person addicted.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with an active alcoholic or addict, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
You may know something is very wrong but be unable to figure it out. You may think you’ve identified the problem, but can’t seem to solve it. You remember having ambition and waking up with a lot of energy. But now, your ambition is gone–you can hardly pull yourself out of bed-hardly keep yourself and the children fed and, when you do, it’s out of a sense of guilt or embarrassment. You can’t quite put your finger on it; but you just know you’re not happy.
Even though it’s 2014, there is denial about alcoholism/addiction. Many of us remain uneducated and unaware of the progressive nature of addiction/alcoholism and its potentially deadly impact on relationships. Instead, we might see problems in our life, but fail to recognize alcoholism or addiction as the source. We might attribute these problems to money or employment. But since we’ve already attributed our problems to one source or another, we don’t notice that the dynamics fit the scheme of addiction/ alcoholism.
The truth is, there are many addicts/alcoholics like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse, someone you work with or in relationship with, who have homes, thriving careers, jobs, families and perhaps untarnished images of respectability. Their addiction may not be apparent or it’s hardly noticeable compared to the other problems that go hand in hand with addiction/alcoholism-like violence, abuse, financial & legal problems, criticism, put-downs, unreliable, or irresponsible behavior. If everyone in your life drinks or uses substances to excess, you might think it’s normal.
My prayers go out to PSH’s children and family, and all of us in recovery, out of recovery, affected by and living with active addicts and alcoholics. There is HOPE! www.aa.org, www.alanon.org
With care & gratitude,
Paula
401.782.7899
PS It’s a snow day here in Providence. Feel free to contact me. Also please pass this information along to anyone you feel might benefit.
