We all agree now that the key to lasting relationships is respectful communication. However, the significant role that boundaries or “personal space” plays in discussions, decision-making, fighting, making-up and all other aspects of couples’ lives is not always understood. Physical boundaries are obvious because our bodies are separate from others’ bodies. But emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries are more difficult to notice and respect and can easily be confused because they are not tangible and visible. We can picture emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries as three concentric circles surrounding a field of energy around us.
Our emotional boundaries are closest to our bodies and directly affect our physical state. Mental boundaries are just beyond emotional ones. What we think determines how we feel. Spiritual boundaries have the farthest reaches, link beyond our being and connect us with others. All of these boundaries … spirit, mind, and emotions are constantly interacting and consuming our being. How to honor all these boundaries is a core issue in relationships.
When we argue with our partner by interrupting, blaming, criticizing, or shutting them out we violate the invisible boundaries that define us as two distinct individuals who deserve love and respect. When we discount our own boundaries or our partner violates them we behave as if we are not separate individuals with distinct needs, feelings, perceptions and desires. When our boundaries are violated we feel threatened and in this red alert state, we will automatically do whatever we can to keep ourselves safe, including not being honest.
Marty and Helena
Marty and Helena came to my office late and sat on opposite sides of the couch instead of the two chairs where couples usually sit. Marty began, “We’re filing for divorce!!!” Helena’s eyes red and smoldering said, “I can’t take it anymore.” “She can’t take it?” Marty broke in. “I’ve had it up to here,” he said, waving his hand above his head. “She’s rude to me, mean and always complaining about something.” “Oh, really!” Helena, struck back, “Well, you’re always criticizing me like I’m your child or something. I hate the way you act so f^#king superior, like I should bow down and worship you because you’re so f^&king perfect! I just can’t stand that!”
Six minutes into the session, and already they have exhibited many of the classic signs of blurred boundaries: 1) They interrupted each other; 2) Blamed each other; 3) They seemed fearful and anxious; 4) They came late for a first appointment; 5) They have 2 children and fail to keep them out of their marital conflicts.
I thought of their children and did what I do with couples whose boundaries need to be clarified. I began teaching them the Imago Dialogue. My role as therapist is to act as their Dialogue coach and make sure that each person stays within the Dialogue structure. This ensures safety so that they can talk about even the most difficult subjects without escalating into yet another frustrating fight.
Experiencing a successful Dialogue is more healing for couples than for me to talk with them about what they ought to do to solve their problems. Teaching them to speak and listen respectfully is the most effective way I know to interrupt the vicious cycles of boundary-violating behaviors.
After describing the Dialogue process to Helena and Marty, I asked one of them to begin speaking in one or two sentences about what he or she was experiencing. Immediately, Marty exploded at me. “You need to understand that the only problem we have is Helena’s bad temper. When she gets mad and says awful things to me I can’t take that. She’s got to learn to not be so angry and talk so mean to me. “
Helena looked both hurt and angry. Raising her voice a bit, she jumped in to tell me, “Marty is impossible to live with. No matter what I do or how hard I try he’s always lecturing me and telling me what I do wrong. That’s why I get so furious with him.”
I let them know that I understood their frustration with each other and explained that the Dialogue process would help them find their way through these hurtful episodes, keep them safe, and they would be able to speak openly and be heard. Sophie Slade, Ph.D., Imago Workshop Presenter and member of the Faculty once said, “Imago Dialogue is emotional toilet training for adults.” Outside of Dialogue our relationships suffer from “emotional diarrhea or emotional constipation,” which are classic boundary violations.
The key to success in stopping boundary violations is keeping fear and panic in check. For example, fearful interpretations of people, fearful predictions about what the future might hold, fearful comments on what your partner may or may not do, fearful projections about how you might be harmed and fearful comments about what is wrong with you and/or others.
Marty and Helena Learn the Dialogue
With gentle and careful coaching, Marty managed to reflect Helena’s words back to her. It was clear that part of Marty was moved by what Helena was telling him about feeling scared and lonely. He could relate to those feelings more readily than her angry and critical words driven by fear and panic.
Lots of coaching was required to help them tune in to each other without allowing their reactivity to usurp what they were saying. The escalation had previously fueled angry reactions and fears–patterns they had been caught in for most of their marriage.
After being successfully mirrored and asked to “tell him more,” Helena said, “That’s all for now.” She looked relieved, sensing that Marty had connected with all her feelings moments before. In the Dialogue, Marty and Helena switched roles and I coached Helena to mirror Marty. One of the most amazing phrases in Imago, tested and researched, is “Is there more?” This question expresses curiosity and is an important component of safety and connecting.
By the time our initial session was over, both Helena and Marty told me that they felt better and were encouraged that maybe they could learn to understand each other better. I affirmed them for their courage in coming in to couples therapy and thanked them for their hard work in practicing this very demanding process for the first time.
Your turn>>>>>>
- Do you know when your emotional, physical, spiritual and mental boundaries have been violated?
- Do you know when you violate your partner’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual boundaries?
- In what part of your body do you tend to feel your “beware or red-alert” signals?
- Consider the signals you send others: can they be trusted? Are they the messages you want to send?
- Do you tend to ignore danger signals?
