Those conversations leave us feeling empty, ashamed and starved. My client said, “I think I’ve said everything I needed to say.” I acknowledged him and said, “Sometimes things are left unsaid in us because our heads jump in and judge it. So we push it down and bury it. So it’s important to take the time we need and give ourselves permission to check to see if there may be words or emotions bubbling up.” He was open to the idea, but he still wasn’t sure he had anything else to say.
Many of us are accustomed to downloading/unloading the facts when we communicate. Or we think we are being vulnerable while we are analyzing and pathologizing ourselves in our relationships. But this is the mind, and what we are usually describing is some aspect of who we think we are. It’s our Adaptive Self, the Costume, the Garb and the Colored Lens. Over time we have learned to identify with our adaptive self, rather than our Essential self also known as our essence.
I was suggesting that my client take a huge RISK and discover his Essential self and speak from that place. We’re usually disconnected from our essence because it takes 7x longer to process emotional information than it does factual information. He was dealing in the facts and I was moving him into his essence. So I asked him to close his eyes … to scan his body from head to toe and to notice where the energy was in his body. To just notice … to be aware. I asked him to wait … take your time … give yourself permission to allow what is already there to reveal itself. And when it did … to open his eyes and just say it.
It was a risk for her as well. She was learning something very important also: how to be with him in the moment, in the ambiguity, in the silence, in the uncertainty and the unknown without jumping in and telling him what he was feeling. Which is what many of us do.
The three of us sat in silence for awhile … awaiting what the 93% was going to reveal. When he opened his eyes, his wife’s eyes were there. Her face was relaxed, soft and loving. They held the gaze. His body was speaking before we heard any words. His face was also relaxed, his eyes soft and filled with tears. He was holding her hands tightly and his mouth was quivering. I could see the battle between his head and heart. Like the “good mother” sitting on his shoulder, I whispered, “Tell her right now … what it is you really want to say.” He said, “I love you … and I miss you.”
Underneath the facts was how he really felt. He needed time and permission to let it show itself. He cried … she reached for him and they cried together. The energy was once again flowing between them. I could feel my own tenderness, essence, compassion and connected-ness inside. I know that place inside myself where I hold back from Yael afraid to speak my truth. Afraid because my head is saying, “What will she think? Will she reject me? I can’t really let her know that.”
We have to learn to go deeper … from the penthouse to the body. I was with him as he moved from his mind to his body, where a true story had been waiting to be told. The story of how much he loves and misses his wife.
What a joy to witness this couple find their way back to each other … reclaiming the love they both want and deserve. If you are worried and holding something back from your partner, go deeper; you won’t discover it in your head.
Close your eyes. Scan your body. Connect to the place within that is calm, compassionate and peaceful. Stay there until you are clear. Know that your mind will say things to you. However, bring your attention to your breathing … and into your body. You’ll know you’re in your essence when the language that reveal itself is kind, compassionate, and simple. Survival/defensive language is complicated. It includes a lot of “can’t,” “not,” “don’t,” and comparisons. The surface is always changing. If we focus on the surface, it’s very shallow and temporary. Go deeper and speak the truth right now from your essence.
Love in Connection,
Paula M. Smith, M.Div., MFT
Certified IMAGO Therapist
www.paulasmith-imago.com
401-782-7899