Let’s say you’re flipping through a magazine and you playfully suggest to your partner that s/he might want to experiment with his/her wardrobe.As soon as you mention the possibility, your partner gets very agitated, flies into a rage and says, “money is tight, I haven’t any time to go shopping, and why are you annoying me with s#@t?”
Now you’re upset and thinking to yourself, “what the …,” because the response is off-putting and it doesn’t seem in line with what’s unfolding in front of you … with what’s happening now. You made what seemed like an innocent comment and now it feels like you’re in a war. Since it doesn’t make any sense, you try to justify it simply according to the facts in the here and now (as victim/perpetrator thinking inclines us to do).
But the clue to this scenario has roots in something known as “projection.” Projection is the single most derailing and destructive phenomenon in intimate relationships. Its power lies in our inability to see it. Because it is a subconscious defense mechanism, we are most often blind to our own projections. So when this happens, we are SURE the fault lies within our partner, and we can’t see the part we play.
Projection hurts our partners because it cast them into a false role and blocks authentic communication. In the middle of a projection, we are warped and our conscious mind is slow to realize that things have changed in the outer world, but quick to mistake the present for the past.
Projection feels crazy-making because we don’t know it’s happening or why we are behaving as we do. We carry past life events that have no discernable shape, events that we have forgotten about and don’t know how to talk about it. While in a projection state, we just come across as mean, mad and irrational.Therefore, if we cannot always be entirely sane in our marriages/relationships the kindest, most loving thing we can do for our partner (and those we care about) is to hand over a map that charts and guides them through the more disturbed terrain of our inner worlds.
Wishing you love and light,
Paula M. Smith, M.Div., MFT
Certified IMAGO Therapist
Couples Coach
401-782-7899
imagopaula@gmail.com
