A sign of healthy conflict is that it makes you both feel like have discovered something—that you know one another better.
Contrary to popular myths, no relationship is without conflict. We get into conflict typically because we think and feel differently about things. A relationship is only as good as the conflict it can hold. What I mean by this is a relationship has strength and energy only to the extent that it can handle the stress of individual differences. And then settle the conflict and stress so that both the relationship and the individuals can move toward being more authentic.
But a lot of us are afraid of conflict because we don’t know how to have conflict. We’re afraid our own anger will run away with us and we’ll lose control and become vicious or even physically destructive. We’re also afraid of the other person’s anger. Will he or she throw something at me, yell, slam the door, or walk out? These behaviors can happen and can even be dangerous, especially for people who have been abused with anger. Individuals can learn to express anger in a constructive way.
When anger shows up in many relationships, it’s often a last-ditch effort to communicate. The initial lack of communication to resolve anger results in anger, and anger is rooted in a fear of conflict. Sometimes anger is also being polite and nice, but when our emotional systems are full and we erupt without warning, it’s anything but polite.
I believe today’s popular conflict and anger management approaches have it all wrong. The challenge is not to manage anger and conflict but to understand they are a call to action; a call to step in and take responsibility for it and ultimately determine the outcome you want. When we are blind to the real causes of conflict anger, we will be blind to real choices. Whether you realize it or not, we always have a choice.
Call to Action: How do you deal with conflict in your relationship? How do you express anger and what is it costing your relationship?
