Now more than ever, I’m noticing poor, heartless, mean conversations. I think the ubiquity of social media, texting and digital communication as well as the politically hostile times has made us all impatient, distracted, rude and uncaring conversationalists. I responded to something my friend posted the other day, and one of his relatives clapped back or should I way slapped back with this, “I am xxx and it makes no difference who you are!!!!!! If you can’t take constructive criticism than just don’t respond!!!!!
The other day I was enjoying a cup of coffee at Starbucks and reading a book. I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation next to me between two women—let’s call them Sarah and Maggie. Sarah monopolized the conversation, often interrupting Maggie to talk about herself and her family. Even worse, Sarah kept “one-upping” Maggie. It was horrible and annoying! Whatever Maggie had to say, Sarah would counter with something better. The more I eavesdropped (which I shouldn’t have, but they were loud) the more irritated I became with Sarah.
“There cannot be greater rudeness than to interrupt another in the current of [her] discourse.”
How Conversations Become Competition Games Disguised as Conversations
How people converse with us tells us a lot about them. Ego-centered people want everything to be about them, so they find ways to steer conversations back to their favorite topic: themselves.
Shy, reserved people tend to listen more, but they also fail to jump in and share. As a result, they get steamrolled in conversations.
Boisterous, overconfident people think they know-it-all and interrupt frequently to share their “brilliance.”
Insecure people sometimes play the “one-up” game needing to go one better than whatever your accomplishment or success might have been. Then there is the substance of conversations.
It’s quite natural to start a conversation with standard niceness, pleasantries and superficial talk. The best conversations move beyond this, diving into a deeper back and forth. Perhaps sharing with one another about recent struggles or successes; concerns and dreams. Each person listening intently and contributing equally.
Or, the discussion shifts into the realm of ideas. For example, things learned from books or lessons from a movie or significant life event. These types of conversations much more civilizing and satisfying than superficial gossip and one-upping each other.
Competition games disguised as conversations happen because no one is really listening. They’re formulating and preparing their next thought or rebuttal and getting ready to interrupt with a “one-up.” No one is really learning anything from the other. It’s an awkward dance of two ego’s and all they are saying to each other is: “I’m better than you.” Even worse are the conversation hogs who hold you hostage with their long stories, recounting every mundane detail. Their stories frame them as heroes, brilliantly outsmarting everyone else and winning the day. Or they devolve into a long rant, bitching and complaining about real or imagined slights.
People who hold court over others might think they have an inattentive audience, but they don’t. Their audience can’t wait for them to shut the f*$k up.
More Listening Less Talking
With all the political hostility smothering us daily, most folks are just barely hanging, which means there is a great possibility that competitive, angst-driven, bitter conversations filled with rage could erupt at anytime and spoil Thanksgiving for years to come.
Beware, these conversations could start politely until someone makes an overtly political comment that will be impossible to let go. Instead of engaging in a hopeless discussion which will inevitably lead straight into a hole resulting in everyone abandoning the table, lean forward and with a smile share an interesting story from history. You can relate it to the political conversation, but do it discreetly. Let your story take it’s own form. Include experiences of hope, loss, and how fruitless some of our battles are. It will be brilliant, elegant and above the fray of crudeness and negativity. You will disarm everyone’s invisible hostility with your gentleness and humility.
Here’s the bottom line. We all do it. We all get caught up in ourselves from time to time. We want to be the center of attention. Our egos get the best of us. But the problem is, doing so often makes us famously boring. The mistake we make in conversations is making it all about us.
“There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.”
People love a great listener. There’s a sense of validation when someone listens closely to what we have to say, nods affirmatively, and paraphrases back to us parts of what we’ve said. When we discipline ourselves to stop steering the conversation back to ourselves, something amazing happens. People start to open up to us. They begin to trust us more. They go home and tell others what a brilliant conversationalist we are.
6 Suggestions for Better Conversations at Thanksgiving
Learn and employ these suggestions, and watch what happens. You may find people seeking you out more for coffee, lunch or just to talk. People will start speaking highly of you, as someone who really listens and converses well.
#1 – Stop Trying to be Right – What is it with our need to be right all the time? Being right gets in the way of understanding others. Instead of trying to win a debate, how about trying to better understand where the other person is coming from? Be curious and deeper questions, like, “Tell me why you believe that. I’d like to understand better.” Even if you disagree, you might gain valuable insights. Everyone has their own beliefs and stories. If you’re always trying to slam them or change them with your rehearsed talking points, then you’re not really having a conversation. You are engaged in a monologue and just feeding your ego. Also … if you’re talking, you’re missing an opportunity to learn from others. What kind of arrogance assures us that we have all the answers and everyone else is wrong? Learn to listen more.
#2 – Stop Hogging the Conversation – Perhaps you are a clever person and have a lot of wisdom to impart. Maybe you possess a slew of personal stories about your successes and brilliant escapades. Guess what, most people aren’t all that interested. They may feign interest, but chances are they are not.
#3 – Stop the One-Upping – Some people just have to do you one better. Mention your promotion at work, and they’ll have to tell you about theirs, and why it’s better than yours. Talk about how proud you are of your kid, and they’ll mention something better about their kid. It’s a twisted kind of insecurity. It’s like they have to compete with you.
We see this too with intellectual snobbery. The academic who has to correct others, and proceed with a mini-lecture on a particular topic. To most people, this kind of behavior looks like you’re wearing a signboard that says, “I’m totally insecure.”
#4 – Ask Questions – If we are to learn more about people and life, we should view each person as an exquisite opportunity to learn and grow with. Like you, they have their own experiences and stories to tell. Why rehash your life story when you can learn from others? Learn to ask more questions. Use your imagination and learn to become curious.
“The size of our universe shrinks considerably when we place ourselves at the center. And the people who are most focused on themselves are the least satisfied in life.”
#5 – Embrace Conscious Listening – If you really want to blow people away as a conversationalist, don’t just listen attentively. Learn to paraphrase or summarize back what the person said (which means you really have to listen to them). This validates what they are saying and feeling. They will remember and appreciate your interest a lot more than if you had turned the conversation into a story about your own work or job successes.
#6 – Give Mutually – We all have times when we just have to tell our story. Maybe something exciting happened at work, or we’re still raving about a great movie we saw. Everyone has the need to share their experiences and stories. The trick is to learn to give and take. Learn the art of mutuality. Stop making it about you. When you finish your story, say, “Enough about me, what’s happening with you?”
In closing, conversations are not competitions. They’re a chance to connect, laugh, cry, hope and learn from others. Follow the suggestions outlined above, don’t make it all about you and your opinion (regardless of what’s happening politically). The best part is that you’ll start connecting on a deeper level, you will learn new things, and you will find much more joy in the conversations you have.
Big love!
Big light!
Peace and harmony.
Happy Thanksgiving, Paula
