I have been reflecting on the idea that we are in an era in which our relationships have moved beyond pure survival. We have climbed up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and our relationships are no longer just about procreation. Yes, children, marriage and family are important to us, but we have bigger dreams for our relationships yet, a lot of us cry out for “more.”
The divorce rates reflect that we want more, but we don’t quite know how to get it because most of us have failed to take responsibility for our transition into adulthood. We are children masquerading as adults. So having “more” in relationships is impossible when we behave like children while trying to solve adult issues.
Just to confirm that the child-within is in charge of the relationship, just take a look at how we act during times of crisis, like divorce. Divorce often becomes a battle based on raw emotion. The accusations are more reminiscent of a schoolyard than a mature and once “loving” relationship.
One measure of maturity is how we behave when we don’t get our way with each other. We pout, punish, withdraw our love and affection. This is tragic because relationships are designed so we can evolve, leaving us better for having known each other rather than more hurt and wounded. Given that, I believe the first step toward having “more” entails seeing relationships as a choice.
Sometimes we forget that we chose our partners. Our resistance to always seeing that we have a choice is what creates a lot of the pain. The unwillingness to explore, experience and to take ownership of how we have created the pain imprisons us. Thus, having “more,” involves recognizing our choices and getting clear about what we want. No more running away.
Another step we can take is ask for help. A lot of divorces and break-ups can be avoided if couples get the help they need while they still have the energy to invest in repairing the relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of couples wait for the pain to go away. They wait hoping for things to get back to the way they were when they first met, before the children, or before the affair. Whatever the scenario, it’s impossible! There is no going back.
Nor does identifying your partner as the identified patient, sending them out to work on their issues, as the one who is in need of fixing. If our approach to having “more” is enacted through blame, we become blind to the fact that we are both responsible. A relationship where one person needs fixing will soon be broken. Or, the person will feel so wounded that they will abandon the relationship emotionally. This I know from experience. Yael was ready to leave me after we started dating, because she became exhausted and broken from being made to feel like she was the problem. I feel sad just thinking about that.
The third step in achieving “more” has to do with bringing to light and revealing the impact of our family of origin, primarily our parents, on our current relationship. We either cannot see these effects or we see them and feel trapped by them. Nonetheless, our parents teach us what a loving relationship is by modeling one. Whether their model is good, bad, or indifferent, we learn our reality from our parents.
Relationships are a dance of discovery and joy. If we want “more,” then it’s important to: understand that we choose our partners; to ask for help (sooner than later), and explore the connections between our family of origin and our current relationships.
And as a bonus … take divorce off the table! This new era of relationships offers countless, proven effective opportunities for us to unmask the systems we bring into our relationships so that we can have more.
“More,” meaning a new, life-giving, collaborative relationship that strengthens both partners in the relationship.
Wishing peace, love & light,
Paula M. Smith M.Div., MFT
Certified Imago Therapist
Couples Coach
401-782-7899
P.S. It behooves us to begin to know our partner’s existential cry. It’s a cry that makes them do a lot of the things that just don’t seem to make sense to us. If we were to look at this, I think we will begin to understand our partners.
