Imagine standing on the edge of the sidewalk on a busy road. Instead of waiting until it’s clear, you purposely step out as a speeding car approaches. The car hits you, but you survive. Now imagine doing this repeatedly and surviving. Yes, you would survive, but you would have external scars as well as untold internal damage, and this would affect you emotionally, regardless of how much you thought you were “healed.”
We all know that it is beyond ridiculous to literally throw ourselves in harm’s way … repeatedly … so why would we do our relationships according to the agendas of Mr. Unavailable or Mr. Already, waiting for him to change? Paying his phone bills, the same phone he uses to text other women? Putting up with his coming home at 3:00 am in the morning or not not at all? Why do we spend all of our time and energy motivating him to have a better life, so that we have nothing left for ourselves? Why do women through ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why it hurts?
There’s no denying the lure of these men or that our logic is confused because of our involvement with them. But at some point, we have to recognize how unhealthy these relationships are…yet we actively seek to be with these men.
Many of my clients feel what I translate as a “gravity pull” to some men in their past. They feel pulled by the logic and reality of who these men were and what they had done and said, which should have sent them running. Instead, they are still caught in a damaging cycle that they feel powerless to circumvent.
Feelings of hope make women want to believe ‘these men’ or that ‘it’ is going to be different this time.
Because of the fantasy and the lure of potential that they saw (what they were actually capable of delivering), every time the “game” starts, they are way, way down the track thinking about what the relationship “could be” and the things they “could be doing together.”
Lack of self-love means that, rather than having a healthy sense of self within that recognizes unacceptable and inappropriate situations that go off the deep end, instead women are looking for love in the wrong place. You are looking for a man to feel something about you that you don’t even feel about yourself!
Women fear getting it wrong and turning our back on these men. Fear of having to change. Plus women fear seeing our own actions for what they are. All these fears send a lot of women hurting to the distractions, desperation, commotion, agitation, and bewilderment that these men provide.
After speaking to many women about this, I found myself reflecting on my own relationships, and it occurred to me that as well as being the common denominator in my soap-opera drama, I was repeatedly participating in similar situations that brought me the same results.
If you start going back to a married guy, an alreadyattached guy or an unavailable guy and he remains married, alreadyattached or unavailable, it’s because the situation isn’t changing and he is still married, alreadyattached and unavailable.
If you make contact and start texting, emailing, taking care of him financially, calling, or sleeping with him, only to find that things quickly slip back into the “old pattern,” that’s because he hasn’t changed, what he has to offer hasn’t changed, and the relationship is still the same. It’s not the old way, it’s the way that your relationship is going to be if you keep putting your hand in the fire and staying there.
If you agree to take him back and he says he’s changed for the millionth time, only to find that he’s being secretive, always on his phone, still hasn’t found a job, or the engagement ring never materializes, or he suddenly has a lot of obstacles preventing him from following through, it’s because nothing has actually changed and he’s full of it.
Ultimately, if you have to keep going back and keep hoping, and keep this … and keep that, it’s a signal to you that really … the final act of your relationship needs to close.
You can only wine and dine on hope for so long. I am an optimist, but as some point you need to start living, being and existing rather than playing around … waiting in Disneyland.
Fantasy and potential are the characteristics of a doomed relationship because you’re never present. You’re either stuck in the past, remembering how he was for a short time, or gambling on potential that doesn’t exist and romanticizing a future based on warm vapors. It’s time to realize that the man you see in front of you is who the man is.
Fear derails relationships and creates distrust, drama and a whole lot of issues. Whether it’s internal fears that you allow to cloud your judgment … or fear that impacts whether or not you stay in the relationship … or choosing relationships that are negative and that create external fears … driving your relationship on fear is damaging.
If you spend your time addressing your own internal fears or listing real external behavior that was inappropriate and doing something about it, how different your past could be.
Don’t underestimate the power of disliking or even hating yourself. By the same token, definitely do not underestimate the power of loving yourself. I know many women whose lives have changed by simply learning to like and love themselves, which in turn causes them to treat themselves with respect.
I am one of them. Yet, there are many women who still hear this and try to shortcut to the man and his penis. They don’t want to spend time on themselves … They are impatient and afraid of their own company or about not being in a relationship. When you start taking care of yourself properly, you will feel the change in you, your life and your relationships. Period!
If you keep repeating the pattern of hoping, betting on potential, being afraid, not loving yourself and putting your already badly burnt hand in the fire with the same men over and over again, you will get the same results.
It’s difficult to break the cycle, especially when you’re so entrenched in it, but what does make it easier is knowing that you are not a person who is helpless to an unplanned or accidental set of circumstances or some guy … You’re actually the facilitator to the cycle because, if you change your behavior … the cycle no longer exists.
You are not a victim.
You must take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Don’t wait for him to change and place the responsibility for your life being different on a man; use your own inner resources and make the changes yourself.
Imagine if you redirected the energy you spent trying to love people who don’t love you and gave it to yourself!
Click here for help: https://paulasmith-imago.com/coaching-for-women/
