At times, tending to our closest relationship can feel like a burden, or another obligation in a list of weekly tasks. And especially, if we don’t trust that our partner will reciprocate our efforts, it can also seem like a huge risk to be the one who makes the first attempt.
After years of working with couples, facilitating workshops, and the practice of sustaining my own marriage, I can say with some degree of certainty that a tiny investment (from your heart, not your wallet) in the form of small changes in the way you treat your spouse, not only leads to his or her happiness, but also mutual support and a warm return that can cushion you from your own life’s daily demands and stresses. Here are 3 steps I discovered that lead to a better marriage, or any relationship you value.
- Be curious, curious, curious! Instead of spending large sums of money and attention on your spouse a few times a year, lavish them with curiosity a few times a week. When we’re curious, we learn new things about our partner—her or his desires, fears, yearnings and struggles. We’ll hear secrets, wishes, and regrets. We’ll learn practical things, such as what they would really like to do for their birthday. Even if you’ve known each other for years, you’ll be surprised how much there still is to know about each other. In my work with couples I continue to be amazed at how often I hear, “I never knew that about him!” from partners who have been married for 5, 10, or 30 years.
- Respect each other’s need for attention. Sometimes, with our partners, we behave towards each other the way children behave with their parents. For example, a child will tug on his mother’s skirt to get her attention so he can tell her about something he did in school. We are always looking for affirmation and validation from our spouses. We want to know that they notice and are interested in us. At a deep level, we want to feel we are a priority to the person we love and care about. Many of us can remember visceral moments when we felt tuned out, shut down, ignored, or criticized by our parents. Subtle things we do in our relationship can mimic and dredge up old childhood pain. When our spouse seems repeatedly distracted, overwhelmed, or critical as we attempt to talk to them about things we feel are important, we can build up a reservoir of resentment, fear and anxiety towards her/him.
- Listen. Truly listen. The most successful strategy I know to attain a state of “real curiosity” is to spend a little time every day just listening to your partner, i.e., really listening. Yeah really listening. What do I mean? Think honestly about how “listening” looks when you do it. Are you on your phone scrolling up and down giving half-ass attention while your partner is speaking about his/her stresses at work? Are you busy cooking dinner or talking to the kids while your husband is telling you excitedly about an interesting conversation he had that day? Are you listening to yourself and formulating your counter response? We all do this. But this kind of passive, distracted listening doesn’t offer much benefit, and it can damage your relationship in the long run.
Relationship change comes through replacing frequent inattentive communication with more thoughtful, conscious, curious communication. When you do connect, take the time to listen before responding. Reflect for 7 – 10 seconds on what your partner says and convey your understanding back to him or her. Do not jump immediately to dispense advice, finish their sentences, assume you know what they are trying to say, or relate a story about your own ideas, even if you have one. Put your thoughts and opinions on hold for a moment, make some space for your partner’s words … for what they are trying to say by simply listening with a gentle silence. Show your care with your body language, your attentive gaze, holding your partner’s hand and by the questions you ask. This will let your spouse know that you are paying attention and have really heard what’s been said.
Wishing you love & light,
Paula M. Smith, M.Div., MFT
Certified Imago Therapist / Couples Coach
401-782-7899
