Hello Friends & Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ve had so many feelings and it’s a lot to express in one email. I would like to say that I had a great time in Los Angeles and I was grateful to spend some time with my Imago colleagues from around the world as well those who participated in the Couples Seminar. But let me shift gears because time may be limited. One thing I know for sure, and unfortunately I know this from personal experiences, is that racism and misogyny are devastatingly alive in this country.
I read a study recently that reported that we have a range of triggers that make us anxious, defensive, even hostile around issues of race. In my work with couples, when race or culture are topics of discussion, one of the key issues that I am acutely aware of is that both partners want and need to feel heard before they can open their minds to each other’s point of view. Even the slightest hint of feeling blamed or dismissed can trigger backlash wherein both will shut down because they are no longer feeling safe. Safety is key. Let’s help others feel safe with us in relationship.
I believe the blame-the-racists, sexist, etc., narrative only creates another version of a very, very old story of the false dichotomy between good (us) and evil (them) or right and wrong. This narrative masks a lot of issues and impasses that I observe in marital relationships, and ironically, it also masks many of the social and political ills in our country. Polarization and blaming engages the same kind of dehumanization and violence that live at the core of the social ills in society, as well as the core of many marital conflicts, opening the door to ever deeper conflicts, even war. The election and post-election frenzies brought the dark underbelly of our society and who we are to light. Yet, I believe there is hope. Conflict is a launching pad for growth. Something larger is growing and we are stirred up and disturbed about it. We don’t change when we are comfortable.
Our movement toward deeper integrity and transparency in marriage, committed relationships and within ourselves is also happening on a systemic level. Our hidden inconsistencies, hostility toward differences, dishonesty, facades, and self-deception have shown themselves and forced us into a close-examination of what it means to be in relationships with those who are different and those who have different points of views … and to ask this question with humility and empathy. 
Maturity and relational transformation are knocking at the door of our hearts. When hidden contradictions come to consciousness and shatter us wide open, the result is first denial and rage, followed by cognitive dissonance and the emotional collapsing of what we thought was true. However, illuminating these paradoxes and contradictions between what we believed was true, who we thought we were, and reality brings the possibility of real deep healing for us.
We are being fiercely, fiercely challenged. It’s so because we are dealing with layers of emotional wounds that have lived inside and outside of us for generations. We are being asked to hold the tension of the opposites; to discern whether the pain, angst, and fear we feel is fundamentally the same pain that also stirs hate, prejudice, misogyny, racism, sexism, the “alt-right” and homophobia. I realize that on some level, perhaps unconsciously, some of us believe we are better than those we oppose and I believe it is true in all relationships. We are ALL suffering from various mutations of the same wounding of feeling left-out, unappreciated, criticized, blamed, alienated, lonely and disconnected. We live in a civilization that has robbed nearly all of us of deep community, connection with nature, unconditional love, freedom to explore the empire of childhood, and so very much more. I think it’s misleading and short-sighted to divide human beings into “us versus them” because we are all in this together.
Disconnection hurts. Can you feel it? Our feelings of disconnectedness is shining the spotlight on our existential spoken cries for help. These cries is manifested in all sorts of bizarre and bewildering behaviors. We cannot ignore the collective rumbles of darkness that has shaken us to our core. What do we do now? Become the healing balm for the disconnection … for the pain. Embrace the cries in whatever form it takes. Healing comes when we have tasted the salt from our own tears.
Let’s rally around our relationships, take loving care of each other, listen empathically and create sustainable connections with everyone, especially those with whom we don’t see eye to eye. I think to show our gratitude this Thanksgiving we can seek tools for self examination, accountability, consciousness, and embrace reality in such a way that ensures no human being feels left behind. Martin Buber says, “Our relationship lives in the space between us and that space is sacred.” It’s time we cleanse the relational spaces in our relationships and heal the dangerous and toxic distortions of perceptions of one another, so we can clearly see the resources within our relationships. WE ARE MAGNIFICENT BEINGS! And at the same time we have all contributed to what is happening in our country, cities, communities and neighborhoods and really need ALL OF US to take responsibility to change it.
- We can start by thinking about how we communicate to each other.
- The next time you say something, check your words to see if they smuggle in some form of hate, dehumanization, belittling, blaming … some invitation to signify you are better than them.
- Then notice how it feels kind of good to do that, kind of like getting a quick fix.
- Then notice what is hurting underneath, and how that doesn’t feel good, not really.
- Talk about what hurts with someone you trust.
It is time for us heal and help others to heal.
Love in Connection & Building Bridges instead of Walls,
Paula M. Smith, M.Div., MFT
Certified IMAGO Therapist & Process Leader
401-782-7899
imagopaula@gmail.com
