Couples tell me all the time that their main problem in their relationships is communication. They generally believe that if they could just learn how to communicate with their partners and more specifically how their partners should communicate with them their problems would be solved.
I hear you, but I think what couples could benefit most by is intentionally working on their non-verbal communication. It is important for couples understand that everything is NOT about talking, but how to connect non-verbally. This is where the real couple work lies.
Do you know that when we hear a message only about 7% of what’s important are the words and 93% is body language? Let me break it down. 35% are the vocal aspects of communication (volume and tone, not the actual words) and 65% is our body movements, facial expressions, appearance, gestures and posture.
Surprised?
To recognize that our words don’t really matter, but how we communicate our words is what gets processed and interpreted by our brain.
Research on non-verbal communication shows some parts of our faces are more revealing than others. For example, our eyes can communicate happiness, sadness or surprise. Our mouth and lips say a lot too. The most positive and powerful facial expression is a smile. This is, by the way, true across cultures.
What does this mean for relationships?
Well, it means we make up stories about our partners based on their non-verbal behaviors. Then we usually decide that we are right about what we have just made up, and we know what they are thinking. We do all of this by interpreting what they are NOT saying. What’s interesting is that our partners may not even be aware of what their non-verbal behavior is communicating.
Sometimes our thoughts about our partner’s non-verbal communication and their thoughts about ours are correct. The problem is when we react instead of checking out our perceptions, stories, etc., that things usually don’t go well.
Note to Self: Remember to check out my perceptions and assumptions and then be prepared to HEAR the answer and ACCEPT it.
Here are some positive non-verbals that I think will help your relationship.
When your partner comes home, go to them, greet them with a warm hug and sit down with them and listen to how their day was without distractions, just say, “wow,” “tell me more.”
- Make a conscious effort to reach out and touch your partner more in the way they like.
- When your partner touches you, touch them back.
- Next time you are out with your partner with friends, catch their gaze and wink at them! (This is one of the best!)
- Squeeze your partner’s hand next time you are in public to connect with them.
- Smile at your partner and hold their gaze with your eyes for a little longer than usual!
****Have fun and if this scares you, good. You’re growing.
