“This is our time,” Paula said to me as we watched Doug Emhoff introduce his wife Kamala Harris as the new Democratic presidential candidate. What she meant is that this is the time for interracial couples to shine. As we learn to honor and celebrate our differences, we become living examples of healing in a world scarred by racism. We demonstrate that embracing diversity leads to mutual growth, not loss. We prove that our differences are the very foundation of our joy, strength and resilience.
Doug Emhoff’s whole being shouted his deep love for his wife and we were both moved by the way he supported, celebrated and lifted her up by announcing her candidacy for President of the United States. It was heartening and validating, and it lifted us out of the fear and despair we’d been navigating through with the other candidate and his insanity and racism.
Not long before, we had also seen President Biden use his white privilege and power to open the door for Vice President Harris (and leave it open), withdrawing from the 2024 presidential race on July 21st and throwing his full support and the entire machine and money of his campaign behind her. That day began a surge of enthusiasm for Vice President Harris in a steady stream of Democratic Party endorsements.
As an interracial couple, Paula and I are conscious of race, racism and privilege and we are always learning how to navigate the dynamics they create in a system that uplifts people who look like me, and demeans, ignores and pushes down people who look like her.
The other day I received a call from the Black partner of an interracial couple and she told me, “My partner doesn’t want to talk about race. He says we have bigger issues to deal with first. He shuts me down when I try to tell him it’s all part of the bigger issues. He gets so defensive it drives me crazy.”
I can relate.
I also thought Paula and I had “bigger issues” than race to deal with at the beginning of our relationship. We had both experienced horrific trauma in our childhoods and were just beginning to understand the impact of that trauma on our relationship. The couples’ therapy we sought out taught us that we were each bringing our old childhood ways of coping and protecting ourselves into our adult relationship and that we had to learn new ways of being in relationship with each other. What we learned in our families about relationships kept us re-wounding and triggering each other—daily.
Yet I grew up bombarded with negative images and stories of Black people as dangerous or inferior, hypersensitive and easily angered; and Paula grew up with messages about the untrustworthiness of white people and the importance of presenting a certain way in public to avoid white judgment or violence.
Although we were learning new skills about how to have a healthier relationship—we never talked with each other about race. White privilege and Whiteness are only invisible to those who have it. As such, not addressing social power and dynamics around race limited our connection and communication.
Some days it looked like we were getting along, but we were merely accommodating each other to mask our discontent and avoid conflict. It wasn’t until we started talking explicitly about race, racism and privilege, that we could see all the ways these dynamics were woven into the fabric of our daily lives and interactions.
Vice President Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff know how differently they are received by the general public because of race. They understand that she will continue to be questioned at every turn because of the color of her skin, her every word and action scrutinized, her very personhood held with suspicion and sometimes derision. They know that racist mediocre individuals will try to paint her as incompetent, unqualified and a DEI hired. They also understand that, as a heterosexual cis-gendered White man, he will continue to be given the benefit of the doubt, assumed to belong and to have earned his place wherever he goes, and freely given advantages that she has to painstakingly earn.
If they didn’t both understand these differences, they would not be able to support each other in the ways they do and their marriage would not last.
For white partners in interracial relationships, this means being brave enough to own our privilege and our biases, the lies we are taught about People of Color—especially Black people–learning and speaking the truth about the messages we received as we grew up as well as learning to use our privilege to support and open doors (and leave them open) for our partner. For Black partners, this means having the courage to explore internalized racism and unhealed Black oppression, and learning to trust their white partner.
Interracial couples, this is our time. When we learn how to honor and celebrate each other’s differences, we model for a world deeply wounded by racism what healing can look like. We show that no one loses when we stand side-by-side, hand-in-hand, heart-to-heart. We show that honoring our differences creates joy, strength and resilience.
Are you in an interracial relationship and want to deepen your understanding and connection? Join us for our upcoming workshop, “Getting the Love You Want,” designed specifically for interracial couples.
In this transformative weekend retreat, you’ll:
- Learn effective communication strategies around sensitive topics
- Connect with other interracial couples in a safe, supportive environment
- Gain tools to strengthen your bond and celebrate your unique partnership
- Discover how to support each other through societal challenges
- Explore the impact of race and privilege in your relationship
Date: November 9-10, 2024
Location: 1005 Main Street, Suite 1208, Pawtucket, RI 02860
Cost: $800 per couple (includes manuals and light snacks)
Space is limited, so register today!
Visit www.yaelandpaula.com or call 401-603-8694 to secure your spot.
