The past affects our relationships! Just because we had it going on as a single-person, (centered and enlightened) we become shocked and appalled by our reactions when our partner triggers us and awaken our “restless ghosts” from the past. Who, by the way, have been waiting for us to get into a serious relationship, so that when we go looking for what we missed out on or lost during childhood, we can get it from the partner/spouse with whom we have built a home as an adult.
This happened to me just this morning when I was writing this post and started to tell Yael about it when she interrupted me, saying, “I’d love to hear about it, but I have to go now.” My restless ghost (fear of abandonment and loneliness) washed over me like an aria from “Madame Butterfly” and I felt 5 years old again … scared and abandoned. I know that this doesn’t only happen to me; I see it in my work with couples too.
A lot of us use our intellect to try to figure out why these feelings are happening and attribute it to something our partner did or didn’t do, or as a sign that something is wrong with our relationship. Rationalizing our feelings keeps us from truly understanding and healing the pain that is often driving our reactivity. So, it’s important for us to wake up in the midst of our reactivity and not let it run the show (at least not for any significant amount of time).
When I have an intense reaction to something Yael says or does, such as the exchange I mentioned earlier in this post, I know that 90% of what is going on within me is the restless ghosts from my past, and 10% is the relationship. Yael scratched a wound that has been there since I was a child.
I’m talking here about moving beyond the boxed in, individualistic psychological slant of personal therapy whose philosophy or premise often reads as some variation of, “You can only change yourself.” There is some truth in this but, taken out of context, it can be and often is destructive to relationships because we are all wounded in relationship and – we are only healed in relationship. Marriage is the most potent relationship for healing.
Many of us have been changing ourselves for a long, long time, but we don’t know how to change the way we are in our relationship. Individualistic methods of healing can help us feel whole, aligned with ourselves, grounded, present, authentic and calm. However, being aligned with oneself when one is alone is completely different from being so with a partner. Some of us fall into a kind of self-righteous, entitled attitude towards the stretching and challenge to our serenity that our relationships bring, seeing our partner as an intruder into our newfound sense of bliss. Bottom-line: our individualistic coping mechanisms are destroying our relationships.
Unless partners do something different in their interactions, they will never get beyond the difficulties they’ve already had. The emotional intimacy, presence, grounding and authenticity that I experience with Yael today evolved through changing how we interact with each other. In other words, I had to learn how to … align with self and other … be present with self and other … feel authentic with self and other, and most importantly lose the self- entitled, self-righteous, individualistic, egocentric attitudes and behaviors toward the person I love (Yael).
So that evening I asked her for an Intentional Dialogue where I was able to take responsibility and speak openly about how my fear of abandonment and loneliness lives in my body … the confusion I feel when I’m in it, the darkness and shame that come over me when she said she had to go, along with some deeply embedded “recollections” around the hurts endured in my closest childhood relationships. This kind of vulnerable truth-telling requires safety, which the Dialogue provides. Having this conversation using the Dialogue was powerful because, where I struggled alone as a terrified little girl, I was now healing at a relational level as an adult through the loving presence and eyes of my wife in the PRESENT and the past was now an integrated event. Yael gained a deeper understanding of the impact of her leaving at that moment, without feeling guilty or blamed for doing what she had to do for herself. We experienced healing in connection.
Loving Out Loud – in Connection
Paula M. Smith, M.Div., MFT
Certified Imago Therapist & Marriage Builder
Phone: 401-782-7899
P.S. If you are in a serious or committed relationship or married and want to learn to learn how to change the way you interact with each other click here for the The Power of Two Couple Program
