The greatest challenge any couple face is living with the seeming contradiction of the relationship paradigm—namely that there is no such thing as an individual, that no one is an island, completely independent and self-sufficient, since we are all connected within a universe of interrelationships, and so how do we live in relationship, at the same time not losing our own uniqueness and individuality or our capacity to stay connected.
Not much is taught directly to us about how to have lasting, committed and connected relationships. The 51 % national divorce rate speaks volumes about our deep need to understand the intricacies of romantic partnerships. It can be confusing for couples to experience bliss in the beginning of their relationship and then find themselves in painful conflict. There may be an equally painful “disconnected feeling” and the despair of not knowing how to reconnect. Under such circumstances, couples typically blame one another for this disconnection, which only makes it worse. They develop patterns of protecting themselves emotionally, which cause them to grow further apart. They don’t “get” each other, nor understand the source of the conflicts. They don’t understand why even minor disagreements are packed with so much emotion! They try short-term solutions, which rarely make the problems disappear, and then recycle the same old arguments, leaving them feeling lost and hopeless. What many couples believe when their relationships end is that they “picked wrong person.” However, they commonly discover that they experience the same frustrations and issues with the next partner!
Intentional living
Most marriages are lived as an unintentional or unconscious way of living relationships. In this way partners have a wish to have a happy marriage, but they don’t have skills, a plan or the tools to make this happen. Instead of knowledge, they rely on love and the examples of their parents, peers, friends and television to show them the way to relationship success.Couples usually only get help when their relationship has deteriorated to serious levels of discomfort.
Most marital therapy programs follow a problem-orientated approach, where the partners present their problems as the agenda items to be solved. At the very least, couples go for therapy to eliminate or find relief from their problems or marital distress. They usually do not come to change or find a new way of living in the relationship.
IMAGO Providence is different in that it starts with the problem, but then quickly moves the focus away from the problem to the patterns and dynamics of the relationship. This seems to give the partners hope for the growth of their own abilities. I also teach the couple skills. I train the couples to effectively communicate with each other using the Intentional Dialogue rather than trying to solve their problems. The problems or conflict then becomes a tool in the relationship I use teach the couple new skills. Intentional living is teaching the couple what to do, why they must do it, and help them understand their own relationship dynamics. It also gives each partner insight into the relational paradigms of the other partner. This empowers the couple with the feeling that they know what to do and what the aim of their actions should be.
What I Do To Help Couples
I hold the assumption that arguments are actually an attempt to bring the couple back together. The couple hopes that once the argument is resolved, they will reconnect. However, arguments typically push them farther apart. I understand that where these arguments and “disconnects” actually come from, and therefore engage the couple in a safe environment by teaching them a non-defensive method of communication, which reveals the true source of the conflict. It is frequently revealed that these issues actually pre-date their relationship. Then I guide the couple to the root causes and teach them healing techniques, which resolve/dissolve core issues. Once the couple has reconnected, problem solving becomes easy. Next, I teach the couple ways to to enhance their relationship, intentionally and deliberately, instead of waiting for something positive to occur. I provide couples with a wealth of tools for maintaining and growing the relationship they desire.
